Sorrows of the heart...

I began today fighting tears, and after keeping myself busy to avoid the onslaught, I'm finally letting them go. Today I say goodbye to a little boy who has stolen my heart through his willingness to love and his joy for life. This post is dedicated to him and to a God that will have to watch over him now that his Mississippi family can't.

This little one has seeped into my life just like a torrential flood, slowly and constantly. Living as a single woman, I have managed to survive numerous friends and family members moving on with their lives, getting married, and starting families without blaming God for my lot in life. I turned to God to fulfill my needs and to sustain me. God answered by giving me first college students, then junior high students to nurture, challenge, and love. Sometime during this time, two close family friends went through a heartache of their own and became involved in foster care. Almost two years ago (feels like a lifetime), this little fella was assigned to my friends' care. At first, he was just another child to nurture and love, much like my students, mine for only a short time. Six months in to his placement, this wonderful boy's mom made it clear that she wasn't interested in being his mother. At this point, my family and close friends have experienced his first steps, sippy cup, words, etc. (Christmas was a blast!)  My heart was definitely stolen. He was so desperate for love and affection. I shared my passion for music with him as I rocked him to sleep, chased him around my house until I'm exhausted, let him play in (and empty!) the kitchen cabinets because he looked so cute standing inside them, laughed at all his facial expressions, taught him how to not bang on the piano, but play a few keys at a time, picked the noisiest toy in the store to send home to his foster family, acted outraged when he thought it was fun to put handprints on my TV and the list goes on.

He awakened a desire in me to be a mom, Lord willing, a desire that I thought I could bury as I tried to live my life, simply fulfilled by God. Now, I'm not trying to say God can't fulfill that desire, but He has plainly expressed to me that I can't live my life in fear of never getting to be a wife or mom, never loving or letting anyone in, hiding parts of my soul away until such a time. I have to love, even if it hurts, even if I never see this precious little one again. As I write this I'm reminded of dozens of students, who I have had the privilege to teach. I'm not talking about the gifted or diligent students (they are a privilege to teach, too!). Mainly, I'm talking about a handful who have had it rough; the ones who have called it quits or moved away. The precious children I don't get to see or check-up on anymore. I still wake up in the middle of the night and offer up a prayer for them. When I run across their facebook status or see someone who reminds me of them, another prayer sent heavenward. By God's grace, I am allowed to live and touch the lives of those around me. They don't hold my life, status, or past against me. All they want is someone to show them they are lovable and capable of succeeding at something, ANYTHING. Sure, we talk about being blessed, the things God has given us... what about the people? I'm not just talking about your family, close friends, etc. What about the coworker in the cubicle next to you? The student across the row? The person in the next pew? Is there a reason why God allowed you to sit beside them? cross paths with them? Don't focus so much on you. You never know when they will be gone. Did you do everything in your power to show them Jesus through YOU? Were you grumpy to the waitress at the restaurant? what about the cashier at the grocery store? bank teller? fast food attendant?

Today, my heart is filled with sorrow, but it isn't alone.

Even in laughter the heart may ache,

and rejoicing may end in grief.

Proverbs 14:13

Today, I will rejoice because my God is still on His throne. He still has a plan for my life, the lives of those around me, and definitely for this precious angel who will be a part of another family. I ask that you join with me in prayer for this newly formed family, and for the hearts of my family and friends, as we try to live the life God has asked of us. Pray that God's will be done in this little one's life. Whether it be God's will that he be in our lives or not, we want what is best for him, a loving and Godly home. 

Be Vulnerable... What?

My baby sister and I have this song, one of the few we can agree on. It tells the story of pride and independence giving way to humility, although I haven't always looked at it that way. Sure, I can see the beauty of surrender in this song and the welcome abandon with which the singer asks God to restore him. I noticed something else about this song, a vulnerability...

The Song: (and my prayer for us) Hurricane by Jimmy Needham

Lyrics:
I have built a city here 
Half with pride and half with fear 
Just wanted a safer place to hide 
I don't want to be safe tonight 

[Chorus]
I need You like a hurricane 
Thunder crashing, wind and rain 
To tear my walls down 
I'm only Yours now 
I need you like a burning flame 
A wild fire untamed 
To burn these walls down 
I'm only Yours now 
I'm only Yours now 

I am Yours and You are mine 
You know far better than I 
And if destruction's what I need 
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee 
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee

For the remaining lyrics click here.

Several years ago a wise woman sat me down in her living room just as I was heading off to a new job and told me, "Kristy, you have to be vulnerable. Let others in." (or something like that) This woman began to explain to me how hard it was to get to know me. I didn't realize but my face could be quite unreadable. You might tell me that the room is on fire and my face would be impassive. Ok, slight exaggeration... but ultimately, I was making it harder for others to get to know me. I wasn't be expressive, and I was censoring everything that came out of my mouth. It took her months to get to know me, to understand me. Most people wouldn't have taken that long. 

Ultimately, I've come to realize that I was afraid of rejection, of being hurt. So I hid away parts of myself. This woman told me that at my new job I was going to need to be vulnerable to get to know others and that it was okay to ask for help, to not have it all together, all the time. 

I'm not sure exactly when it began or why, but sometime during my teens I became a very introspective person. I think there were even times my parents didn't fully understand me, and I didn't even realize that I was the one that was making it difficult. I kept so much to myself, my sorrows, my fears, even my dreams. Over time I shared little pieces of myself with my family, but my friends still didn't get the whole picture. This only made it easier to move and start over time and again. It wasn't until the earlier mentioned conversation at the end of my college days that I realized I was making it harder for myself. 

Months later as I was getting ready for my new teaching job and adjusting to a new school, those words echoed in my mind, be vulnerable. I started letting people in, asking for help, sharing information about my life, and trying to be real with them. This is something I still struggle with today. So, what does this have to do with being single? being a Christian?

I was reminded of this recently as I began a new relationship. If you are like me and have walled away your heart, even if to protect yourself, you may be missing out God's plan for your life. As a single person, we can't be afraid of the fall or failure. Put yourself out there. I'm not saying take unreasonable risks or go crazy, but give people a shot. It is easy when you have spent a lot of time alone to just continue that comfortable way of life and stay alone. Maybe you have spent most of your life hopping from relationship to relationship; give your heart time to heal. Then get back on that horse and try again.  

As Christians, we are called to worship, to surrender our lives to God, to live a life of holiness and sacrifice, to honor and glorify Him. This is impossible if we don't let down our guard, get out of our comfort zone, and live our life in this sinful world, doing our best to let others see Jesus in us. So I ask, are you hiding in plain sight? Are you hurting? scared? alone?  You don't have to be, and you definitely don't have to do this alone. God will be with you every step of the way, and if you seek it out, God will reveal your own wise friend to see you through this trial or season of your life. Don't be afraid to be the REAL you and be vulnerable.