I've been reading back over drafts of blog posts I've written but never posted over the last year, and a lot has happened. It is weird reading what I wrote just days before we found out we were pregnant or weeks before we started foster parenting classes. Now we sit with a teenager and weeks away from our infant's arrival. I can't help but feel relieved and blessed.
This summer has been a struggle... the start of school even more so. The waiting is always the hardest part, but I have to admit waiting on our little boy has been easy compared to waiting for our teen. With our son, we have a 9-10 month window, and he will be here. Things could happen and he arrive early or late, but we have an idea of what to expect. However, with our teen everything has been different. Almost every deadline and timeline has changed more times than I can count. Sadly, it has taken almost 9 months to gain custody of our teen. We have had great case workers and social workers campaigning on our and our teen's behalf, working the system, and trying to get her home with us as quickly as possible. Even with all the help we have hit roadblocks and with those came the discouragement. On a few occasions, I even had to stop myself and ask if I was pushing an agenda or if I really felt like God wanted this adoption to happen. Fortunately, satan wasn't able to get more of a hold on my thoughts. God's peace and persistence flooded my consciousnesses.
One of the reasons I haven't published as much this summer is because my heart only had one thing to say... God's timing... even when I didn't want to hear it. For the last year, every time I have felt discouraged or upset with the outcomes, whether it was waiting to get pregnant or for this adoption/foster process, God made sure someone told me that this was about Him and His timing. After about 6 months, it seemed to become my mantra. I still don't understand why it took so long to get her in our home, and I still struggle with the 3 weeks she went to school somewhere else when I wanted her here so badly. That still small voice keeps repeating, MY timing. I may never understand, and I've even tried to come up with a few reasons... but God's voice is clear. He had a reason for things to unfold as they have, and I have to be okay with that.
Now I sit, 7 weeks away from my son's due date and fair warning - hormonal. We have had a smooth transition with our teen so far, and things seem to be moving right along at God's pace. Finally, my heart's mantra has changed... at least in tone - Ah, God's Timing. For whatever reason(s) He chose this past week to bring her home. She is thriving and our lives are forever changing. We know things will be difficult ahead as we navigate the waters of boys (yes, I am already wary of her dating. Is it too late to lock her in a tower?), homework, driving license, and so much more. Yesterday she said that she was planning to be here for a while... we weren't getting rid of her. We had a great day at school and she was super excited about getting involved, trying out for things, etc. My heart almost melted into a puddle at my feet then when she said we were stuck with her. Or maybe my heart exploded the first morning our big rescue dog didn't bark at her as she emerged from her bedroom. Or maybe the night our little dogs just made themselves right at home in her lap or her room. Either way, the mantra of my heart has definitely changed. God's timing is still there, but peace has ensued.
Thank you for praying for us on our parenting journey. These last few months have been overwhelming, but I've felt the prayers and God's presence every step of the way.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Friday, September 2, 2016
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Sorrows of the heart...
I began today fighting tears, and after keeping myself busy to avoid the onslaught, I'm finally letting them go. Today I say goodbye to a little boy who has stolen my heart through his willingness to love and his joy for life. This post is dedicated to him and to a God that will have to watch over him now that his Mississippi family can't.
This little one has seeped into my life just like a torrential flood, slowly and constantly. Living as a single woman, I have managed to survive numerous friends and family members moving on with their lives, getting married, and starting families without blaming God for my lot in life. I turned to God to fulfill my needs and to sustain me. God answered by giving me first college students, then junior high students to nurture, challenge, and love. Sometime during this time, two close family friends went through a heartache of their own and became involved in foster care. Almost two years ago (feels like a lifetime), this little fella was assigned to my friends' care. At first, he was just another child to nurture and love, much like my students, mine for only a short time. Six months in to his placement, this wonderful boy's mom made it clear that she wasn't interested in being his mother. At this point, my family and close friends have experienced his first steps, sippy cup, words, etc. (Christmas was a blast!) My heart was definitely stolen. He was so desperate for love and affection. I shared my passion for music with him as I rocked him to sleep, chased him around my house until I'm exhausted, let him play in (and empty!) the kitchen cabinets because he looked so cute standing inside them, laughed at all his facial expressions, taught him how to not bang on the piano, but play a few keys at a time, picked the noisiest toy in the store to send home to his foster family, acted outraged when he thought it was fun to put handprints on my TV and the list goes on.
He awakened a desire in me to be a mom, Lord willing, a desire that I thought I could bury as I tried to live my life, simply fulfilled by God. Now, I'm not trying to say God can't fulfill that desire, but He has plainly expressed to me that I can't live my life in fear of never getting to be a wife or mom, never loving or letting anyone in, hiding parts of my soul away until such a time. I have to love, even if it hurts, even if I never see this precious little one again. As I write this I'm reminded of dozens of students, who I have had the privilege to teach. I'm not talking about the gifted or diligent students (they are a privilege to teach, too!). Mainly, I'm talking about a handful who have had it rough; the ones who have called it quits or moved away. The precious children I don't get to see or check-up on anymore. I still wake up in the middle of the night and offer up a prayer for them. When I run across their facebook status or see someone who reminds me of them, another prayer sent heavenward. By God's grace, I am allowed to live and touch the lives of those around me. They don't hold my life, status, or past against me. All they want is someone to show them they are lovable and capable of succeeding at something, ANYTHING. Sure, we talk about being blessed, the things God has given us... what about the people? I'm not just talking about your family, close friends, etc. What about the coworker in the cubicle next to you? The student across the row? The person in the next pew? Is there a reason why God allowed you to sit beside them? cross paths with them? Don't focus so much on you. You never know when they will be gone. Did you do everything in your power to show them Jesus through YOU? Were you grumpy to the waitress at the restaurant? what about the cashier at the grocery store? bank teller? fast food attendant?
Today, my heart is filled with sorrow, but it isn't alone.
Today, I will rejoice because my God is still on His throne. He still has a plan for my life, the lives of those around me, and definitely for this precious angel who will be a part of another family. I ask that you join with me in prayer for this newly formed family, and for the hearts of my family and friends, as we try to live the life God has asked of us. Pray that God's will be done in this little one's life. Whether it be God's will that he be in our lives or not, we want what is best for him, a loving and Godly home.
This little one has seeped into my life just like a torrential flood, slowly and constantly. Living as a single woman, I have managed to survive numerous friends and family members moving on with their lives, getting married, and starting families without blaming God for my lot in life. I turned to God to fulfill my needs and to sustain me. God answered by giving me first college students, then junior high students to nurture, challenge, and love. Sometime during this time, two close family friends went through a heartache of their own and became involved in foster care. Almost two years ago (feels like a lifetime), this little fella was assigned to my friends' care. At first, he was just another child to nurture and love, much like my students, mine for only a short time. Six months in to his placement, this wonderful boy's mom made it clear that she wasn't interested in being his mother. At this point, my family and close friends have experienced his first steps, sippy cup, words, etc. (Christmas was a blast!) My heart was definitely stolen. He was so desperate for love and affection. I shared my passion for music with him as I rocked him to sleep, chased him around my house until I'm exhausted, let him play in (and empty!) the kitchen cabinets because he looked so cute standing inside them, laughed at all his facial expressions, taught him how to not bang on the piano, but play a few keys at a time, picked the noisiest toy in the store to send home to his foster family, acted outraged when he thought it was fun to put handprints on my TV and the list goes on.
He awakened a desire in me to be a mom, Lord willing, a desire that I thought I could bury as I tried to live my life, simply fulfilled by God. Now, I'm not trying to say God can't fulfill that desire, but He has plainly expressed to me that I can't live my life in fear of never getting to be a wife or mom, never loving or letting anyone in, hiding parts of my soul away until such a time. I have to love, even if it hurts, even if I never see this precious little one again. As I write this I'm reminded of dozens of students, who I have had the privilege to teach. I'm not talking about the gifted or diligent students (they are a privilege to teach, too!). Mainly, I'm talking about a handful who have had it rough; the ones who have called it quits or moved away. The precious children I don't get to see or check-up on anymore. I still wake up in the middle of the night and offer up a prayer for them. When I run across their facebook status or see someone who reminds me of them, another prayer sent heavenward. By God's grace, I am allowed to live and touch the lives of those around me. They don't hold my life, status, or past against me. All they want is someone to show them they are lovable and capable of succeeding at something, ANYTHING. Sure, we talk about being blessed, the things God has given us... what about the people? I'm not just talking about your family, close friends, etc. What about the coworker in the cubicle next to you? The student across the row? The person in the next pew? Is there a reason why God allowed you to sit beside them? cross paths with them? Don't focus so much on you. You never know when they will be gone. Did you do everything in your power to show them Jesus through YOU? Were you grumpy to the waitress at the restaurant? what about the cashier at the grocery store? bank teller? fast food attendant?
Today, my heart is filled with sorrow, but it isn't alone.
Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and rejoicing may end in grief.
Proverbs 14:13
Today, I will rejoice because my God is still on His throne. He still has a plan for my life, the lives of those around me, and definitely for this precious angel who will be a part of another family. I ask that you join with me in prayer for this newly formed family, and for the hearts of my family and friends, as we try to live the life God has asked of us. Pray that God's will be done in this little one's life. Whether it be God's will that he be in our lives or not, we want what is best for him, a loving and Godly home.
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