Sorrows of the heart...

I began today fighting tears, and after keeping myself busy to avoid the onslaught, I'm finally letting them go. Today I say goodbye to a little boy who has stolen my heart through his willingness to love and his joy for life. This post is dedicated to him and to a God that will have to watch over him now that his Mississippi family can't.

This little one has seeped into my life just like a torrential flood, slowly and constantly. Living as a single woman, I have managed to survive numerous friends and family members moving on with their lives, getting married, and starting families without blaming God for my lot in life. I turned to God to fulfill my needs and to sustain me. God answered by giving me first college students, then junior high students to nurture, challenge, and love. Sometime during this time, two close family friends went through a heartache of their own and became involved in foster care. Almost two years ago (feels like a lifetime), this little fella was assigned to my friends' care. At first, he was just another child to nurture and love, much like my students, mine for only a short time. Six months in to his placement, this wonderful boy's mom made it clear that she wasn't interested in being his mother. At this point, my family and close friends have experienced his first steps, sippy cup, words, etc. (Christmas was a blast!)  My heart was definitely stolen. He was so desperate for love and affection. I shared my passion for music with him as I rocked him to sleep, chased him around my house until I'm exhausted, let him play in (and empty!) the kitchen cabinets because he looked so cute standing inside them, laughed at all his facial expressions, taught him how to not bang on the piano, but play a few keys at a time, picked the noisiest toy in the store to send home to his foster family, acted outraged when he thought it was fun to put handprints on my TV and the list goes on.

He awakened a desire in me to be a mom, Lord willing, a desire that I thought I could bury as I tried to live my life, simply fulfilled by God. Now, I'm not trying to say God can't fulfill that desire, but He has plainly expressed to me that I can't live my life in fear of never getting to be a wife or mom, never loving or letting anyone in, hiding parts of my soul away until such a time. I have to love, even if it hurts, even if I never see this precious little one again. As I write this I'm reminded of dozens of students, who I have had the privilege to teach. I'm not talking about the gifted or diligent students (they are a privilege to teach, too!). Mainly, I'm talking about a handful who have had it rough; the ones who have called it quits or moved away. The precious children I don't get to see or check-up on anymore. I still wake up in the middle of the night and offer up a prayer for them. When I run across their facebook status or see someone who reminds me of them, another prayer sent heavenward. By God's grace, I am allowed to live and touch the lives of those around me. They don't hold my life, status, or past against me. All they want is someone to show them they are lovable and capable of succeeding at something, ANYTHING. Sure, we talk about being blessed, the things God has given us... what about the people? I'm not just talking about your family, close friends, etc. What about the coworker in the cubicle next to you? The student across the row? The person in the next pew? Is there a reason why God allowed you to sit beside them? cross paths with them? Don't focus so much on you. You never know when they will be gone. Did you do everything in your power to show them Jesus through YOU? Were you grumpy to the waitress at the restaurant? what about the cashier at the grocery store? bank teller? fast food attendant?

Today, my heart is filled with sorrow, but it isn't alone.

Even in laughter the heart may ache,

and rejoicing may end in grief.

Proverbs 14:13

Today, I will rejoice because my God is still on His throne. He still has a plan for my life, the lives of those around me, and definitely for this precious angel who will be a part of another family. I ask that you join with me in prayer for this newly formed family, and for the hearts of my family and friends, as we try to live the life God has asked of us. Pray that God's will be done in this little one's life. Whether it be God's will that he be in our lives or not, we want what is best for him, a loving and Godly home. 

Hunger for Change... Part 2

So first let me apologize for the tardiness of this installment, my life got a little busy when this school year ended...

If you missed the last post, I asked a lot of questions, mostly about change or evolution of our church.

I want to start this post off by telling you about a little church sitting atop a hill in the middle of nowhere... technically the church building is there, but as for the church you can find us there on Sundays, Wednesdays, and as luck would have it, all last week for vacation bible school! 

My journey with these body of believers started at birth. Ironically, as I grew up my family actually attended another church, but I've always had some connection with it because my extended family is here. About six years ago, I took on a leadership role and responsibility to impact the youth and young adults of our church and community. Over these six years, I've seen many church leaders and members come and go for various reasons. It's heartbreaking, and it hasn't been an easy time for me either. During college I got a taste of community with other young adults and I've seen all the modern flare that worship can entail. Most of the time, I don't have that kind of worship experience. I miss the feeling I had during worship, but mostly just the ability to get lost in worship. I still find time to do just that, but I have to do it on my own. As for the lack of young adult community, that is changing as well as students mature and others move back home. Six years of hard work is starting to pay off. However, it isn't my hard work that is making a difference, but God's. 

Six years is a long time and there have been many days where I wanted to stay home, go on a long vacation, or just find a new church. The Lord nixed the first thought pretty quickly - I'm currently the only pianist at church. I'm there every Sunday... or they have to sing acapella. (They hired a organist and piano fill in. She's starting next week!) As for the second option, nowhere to go, no one to go with, and no money to go on. Wow, our Lord can really keep me on the straight and narrow. As for the last one, I have felt like Paul many times with his desire to go to Rome and the Lord saying No!  Every time I think He might be releasing me from my responsibilities, something amazing happens and I can't bare to leave! 

I get asked a lot about why I stay, why I chose to worship here. My answer simply is because God said so. Ultimately, God has given me the desire to work for Him and He brought me to this body of believers. I will never forget the first year I spent here; it felt like home. My parents were living several hours away from me. My grandparents were geographically easier to visit for weekend getaways (aka cheaper! Gas is expensive!!), and so I joined my grandparents for church services when I visited. Not only did I have my grandparents looking after me, I had several pairs of great religious warriors who made me their new project. I like to think of them as warriors, you had the prayer warriors and the encouraging warriors. They were so strong in their faith, peaceful, and content, all things I longed for in my spiritual walk with Christ. They made me feel so special, wanted, loved - just like home. A lot has changed over the last six years many of these warriors have gone on to be with the Lord, but that feeling is still here. That feeling is Christ pouring through believers; it is what happens when we forget about self and allow our God to use us as he sees fit. For many of us, we simple describe this as love or a sense of community. That is what our churches were created to do, provide a place for believers to  worship, learn, and deal with the world - together. 

I'm proud to say that my God is awesome and He is using this little church of believers that meet on the top of a hill in the middle of nowhere to impact our community. My advice to Christians everywhere, be true to your instincts. Let God lead you. It doesn't always feel like what everyone else would choose, but deep down you know you are making a lifestyle decision that God is asking you to make. Whether that decision be singleness, a place of worship, clothing style, or missionary post, the Lord has a reason and a plan for you. It won't be easy. It will be difficult, but He will always be there to lean on and to guide you. Take a leap of faith... when was the last time you did something and didn't know how it was going to turn out... take that baby step, then just leap! He'll catch you, in his timing.

Prayer for this week: One Day At A Time by Christy Lane