My Heart's Mantra

I've been reading back over drafts of blog posts I've written but never posted over the last year, and a lot has happened. It is weird reading what I wrote just days before we found out we were pregnant or weeks before we started foster parenting classes. Now we sit with a teenager and weeks away from our infant's arrival. I can't help but feel relieved and blessed.

This summer has been a struggle... the start of school even more so. The waiting is always the hardest part, but I have to admit waiting on our little boy has been easy compared to waiting for our teen. With our son, we have a 9-10 month window, and he will be here. Things could happen and he arrive early or late, but we have an idea of what to expect. However, with our teen everything has been different. Almost every deadline and timeline has changed more times than I can count. Sadly, it has taken almost 9 months to gain custody of our teen. We have had great case workers and social workers campaigning on our and our teen's behalf, working the system, and trying to get her home with us as quickly as possible. Even with all the help we have hit roadblocks and with those came the discouragement. On a few occasions, I even had to stop myself and ask if I was pushing an agenda or if I really felt like God wanted this adoption to happen. Fortunately, satan wasn't able to get more of a hold on my thoughts. God's peace and persistence flooded my consciousnesses.

One of the reasons I haven't published as much this summer is because my heart only had one thing to say... God's timing... even when I didn't want to hear it. For the last year, every time I have felt discouraged or upset with the outcomes, whether it was waiting to get pregnant or for this adoption/foster process, God made sure someone told me that this was about Him and His timing. After about 6 months, it seemed to become my mantra. I still don't understand why it took so long to get her in our home, and I still struggle with the 3 weeks she went to school somewhere else when I wanted her here so badly. That still small voice keeps repeating, MY timing. I may never understand, and I've even tried to come up with a few reasons... but God's voice is clear. He had a reason for things to unfold as they have, and I have to be okay with that.

Now I sit, 7 weeks away from my son's due date and fair warning - hormonal. We have had a smooth transition with our teen so far, and things seem to be moving right along at God's pace. Finally, my heart's mantra has changed... at least in tone - Ah, God's Timing. For whatever reason(s) He chose this past week to bring her home. She is thriving and our lives are forever changing. We know things will be difficult ahead as we navigate the waters of boys (yes, I am already wary of her dating. Is it too late to lock her in a tower?), homework, driving license, and so much more. Yesterday she said that she was planning to be here for a while... we weren't getting rid of her. We had a great day at school and she was super excited about getting involved, trying out for things, etc. My heart almost melted into a puddle at my feet then when she said we were stuck with her. Or maybe my heart exploded the first morning our big rescue dog didn't bark at her as she emerged from her bedroom. Or maybe the night our little dogs just made themselves right at home in her lap or her room. Either way, the mantra of my heart has definitely changed. God's timing is still there, but peace has ensued.

Thank you for praying for us on our parenting journey. These last few months have been overwhelming, but I've felt the prayers and God's presence every step of the way.

Answered Prayers & Living in God's Will

The most obvious/consuming/amazing/etc. thing in my life at the moment,  I'M GETTING MARRIED! In less than 60 days, I will become wife to the man God fashioned for me, and I for him. When I think of answered prayers, it is very easy to come up with things to be thankful for, chief of those, my fiancé. However, it doesn't stop there. Mere weeks after I said YES, I had a job laid out in front of me, a dream job I thought I wouldn't be able to consider for a few years. God's timing? I believe so. Within a month of engagement, we had the basic and big wedding details planned, reserved,  and ordered, a feat thought impossible by some for a wedding only 5 months away. Again, the Lord is wonderful and works in surprising ways. During this time, my robotics coaching came to a close, science fair wrapped up, and my job got a little quieter, with the exception of state testing looming in the future. All of these deadlines and craziness I have been able to put behind me thanks to the Lord's guidance and an understanding fiancé and family.

Most recently, my life has been crazy with the afore mentioned state testing and trying to get my house ready to sell so that I can move this summer. If packing up my life isn't enough crazy, try adding a classroom to that mix! On top of all this, I still feel God's presence and hand in my life. For the last couple of weeks, my house has been on the market. Every week, just when I'm about to get discouraged that the house hasn't been snatched up yet, the Lord sends something or someone to put me at ease. While it is still early for my house to actually sell, we have had many showings, and when there happens to be a lapse of time between the showings, I get a call from my realtor with great feedback. We have had some talk about buying the house, but it mostly has been talk and nothing put in writing as there have been a few hiccups on the buyers' part. Today, just as I get home and can feel the discouragement after not hearing back form the last showing yet, a neighbor who is renting stops by and asks about the house! It seems like just when Satan or discouragement starts to move in, the Lord sends me a little message through the people around me.

Much like when I lived the single life, God found ways to keep me going, engaged, and involved in His ministry and His will. Living in His will, I found myself content and at peace with my life, even though I felt like the Lord had planned a different future for me, a future with a life partner to serve alongside. Despite my feelings about my future, the Lord clearly directed me to a church and community with few people my age to fellowship with. Over the course of my last 8 years of service, there have been many times where I felt discouraged, especially when I came to finding someone to share my life with. As I've mentioned before, the people with whom I served, my family, and friends were all invaluable when it came to surviving this time of singleness and still feel like I wasn't just waiting for the next phase of my life to begin. While this period of singleness is over for me and I will begin the next phase of my life, the changes and life experiences will be valued and treasured. These experiences help make me the person I am today and gave been invaluable in my ministry and service so far. While it is easy to dislike the trial or phase of life we are in, or wish for something completely different, there is a reason for this season, and it may pass. However always remember our Lord and master encourager will always be present to help us through, in His timing, perfect as it is.

Kristy

Craziness!!!!!

So, life has been busy... and I have a feeling it is going to stay that way until after the holidays. As my luck would have it, it probably isn't going to slow down until next summer, but a girl can hope! So, I apologize once again for the delay on the post, but if your life is anything like mine busy and crazy may be constant companions these days.

How do we balance our lives? Do you spend so much time at work and leave nothing for the family? Do you come home from work and spend it all on loved ones? Do you spend it all chasing one project or fun thing after another? Do you leave time for yourself? Do you spend time with friends? family? God?

My life seems to be one giant balancing act. I've gotten to be pretty good with Google calendar and have it synced on everything! (even my lesson plans!) Despite the fact that I do schedule and divide up my time, I still try to keep some quiet time for myself... and some quality time for my Savior. I've learned that if I'm not grounded then I can get easily distracted or discouraged by my fast paced lifestyle or the next deadline. However, when I'm grounded in how awesome my God is, everything seems to fall into place, well almost. Hey, I'm only human and sometimes I get in the way! Go figure! Not to mention, sometimes God just has to let me waddle around until I do exactly what He told me to do in the first place.

Over the last few months, I've had a renewed peace in my life, and I can attribute part of that to my quality time with my Savior. Whether I'm brainstorm or writing for a blog post, counseling someone the Lord has placed in my life, or just driving, God has a way of sneaking into my thoughts and blowing my mind. I've enjoyed the crazy trains of thought that have ensued, but mostly I love spending time with my Heavenly Father. A few months ago, I started making a conscious effort to have a more scheduled and focused quiet time with God. I don't really even remember why. Maybe it was simply to challenge myself or because I was challenging the students I teach. Anyway, I did it. Sometimes I forgot, sometimes I didn't really feel God... but other times, I was blown away. I've learned that I can't depend on a Sunday School class, Bible study, or a sermon to teach me, to help me connect with my Savior. I have to earnestly seek Him, to yearn as a baby Christian thirsts for knowledge. We can't forget the excitement of our Christian youth... when was the last time you sought our your Heavenly Father? Dove into His word searching for something, anything to speak to you?

Glory in his holy name;let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.Look to the Lord and his strength;seek his face always.Remember the wonders he has done,his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
1 Chronicles 16:10-12

The Lord knowns my future, of this I'm certain. Over the last few months, I've been tested, my faith tried, not to mention, patience. I can't say I wouldn't have made it without my quiet times and seeking Him out, but I can definitely agree having a quiet time has helped me to be more in tune with the Lord's will in my life and helped me to be more accepting to the obstacles and changes in my life. He's still working on me, a song I sang as a 5 year old in church. He's not done and only He knows what challenges I will still have to face in the near future, but of this I'm certain he knows my future and He's going to be with me every step of the way. As 1 Chronicles 16 and most of the Bible echoes, He is our strength, He is to be our focus, and He is still the Almighty God, performing miracles to this day.

The next time you think you are too busy or things are just too crazy, ask yourself, who am I going to turn to when I'm overwhelmed? exhausted? stressed? troubled? Am I seeking Him out? Where did my thirst for knowledge go? ... It is never too late and He is always waiting for you to find Him. Call out to Him.

Sorrows of the heart...

I began today fighting tears, and after keeping myself busy to avoid the onslaught, I'm finally letting them go. Today I say goodbye to a little boy who has stolen my heart through his willingness to love and his joy for life. This post is dedicated to him and to a God that will have to watch over him now that his Mississippi family can't.

This little one has seeped into my life just like a torrential flood, slowly and constantly. Living as a single woman, I have managed to survive numerous friends and family members moving on with their lives, getting married, and starting families without blaming God for my lot in life. I turned to God to fulfill my needs and to sustain me. God answered by giving me first college students, then junior high students to nurture, challenge, and love. Sometime during this time, two close family friends went through a heartache of their own and became involved in foster care. Almost two years ago (feels like a lifetime), this little fella was assigned to my friends' care. At first, he was just another child to nurture and love, much like my students, mine for only a short time. Six months in to his placement, this wonderful boy's mom made it clear that she wasn't interested in being his mother. At this point, my family and close friends have experienced his first steps, sippy cup, words, etc. (Christmas was a blast!)  My heart was definitely stolen. He was so desperate for love and affection. I shared my passion for music with him as I rocked him to sleep, chased him around my house until I'm exhausted, let him play in (and empty!) the kitchen cabinets because he looked so cute standing inside them, laughed at all his facial expressions, taught him how to not bang on the piano, but play a few keys at a time, picked the noisiest toy in the store to send home to his foster family, acted outraged when he thought it was fun to put handprints on my TV and the list goes on.

He awakened a desire in me to be a mom, Lord willing, a desire that I thought I could bury as I tried to live my life, simply fulfilled by God. Now, I'm not trying to say God can't fulfill that desire, but He has plainly expressed to me that I can't live my life in fear of never getting to be a wife or mom, never loving or letting anyone in, hiding parts of my soul away until such a time. I have to love, even if it hurts, even if I never see this precious little one again. As I write this I'm reminded of dozens of students, who I have had the privilege to teach. I'm not talking about the gifted or diligent students (they are a privilege to teach, too!). Mainly, I'm talking about a handful who have had it rough; the ones who have called it quits or moved away. The precious children I don't get to see or check-up on anymore. I still wake up in the middle of the night and offer up a prayer for them. When I run across their facebook status or see someone who reminds me of them, another prayer sent heavenward. By God's grace, I am allowed to live and touch the lives of those around me. They don't hold my life, status, or past against me. All they want is someone to show them they are lovable and capable of succeeding at something, ANYTHING. Sure, we talk about being blessed, the things God has given us... what about the people? I'm not just talking about your family, close friends, etc. What about the coworker in the cubicle next to you? The student across the row? The person in the next pew? Is there a reason why God allowed you to sit beside them? cross paths with them? Don't focus so much on you. You never know when they will be gone. Did you do everything in your power to show them Jesus through YOU? Were you grumpy to the waitress at the restaurant? what about the cashier at the grocery store? bank teller? fast food attendant?

Today, my heart is filled with sorrow, but it isn't alone.

Even in laughter the heart may ache,

and rejoicing may end in grief.

Proverbs 14:13

Today, I will rejoice because my God is still on His throne. He still has a plan for my life, the lives of those around me, and definitely for this precious angel who will be a part of another family. I ask that you join with me in prayer for this newly formed family, and for the hearts of my family and friends, as we try to live the life God has asked of us. Pray that God's will be done in this little one's life. Whether it be God's will that he be in our lives or not, we want what is best for him, a loving and Godly home. 

Hunger... and Change

Lately, I've felt a hunger to be around people my age. Hanging around pre-teens all day is really taking a toll. Between my college friends' schedules and living so far away, we are lucky to get together more than twice a year. Unfortunately, outside of work, I haven't met that many people my age in my area. Church would be the natural place to look, but ... I find myself looking around and wondering where are all the twenty-somethings?

Ever noticed how many twenty-somethings are missing from the church? The Lord has been opening my eyes the last few weeks, helping me see my church and community differently. Is change the only answer? and how much change? I've been searching, racking my brain, for something to do that will spur change. I can't stand sitting around doing nothing, watching my church family struggle to fill positions another year, knowing that those of us who do serve are running ourselves ragged. Things have to change.

Now the hard part, what needs to change?

As a leader of our church, we have tried changing programming, small changes to worship, etc. Now research and anyone in the ministry will say programming doesn't work, but what else is there to do? My church faces geographic obstacles, but bottom line, how do we reach the twenty-somethings in the area that are unchurched and possibly lost?

Well, I don't have an answer...yet... I'm asking you, my friends. What draws you in? What keeps you coming back to worship? What fuels your faith?

I have some insight that I want to share on the subject, but I want to hear from you FIRST! Shoot me a message, or post your thoughts below.

Stay tuned for more... and most importantly PRAY!

My prayer for this week: FIND YOU ON MY KNEES by Kari Jobe