I've been reading back over drafts of blog posts I've written but never posted over the last year, and a lot has happened. It is weird reading what I wrote just days before we found out we were pregnant or weeks before we started foster parenting classes. Now we sit with a teenager and weeks away from our infant's arrival. I can't help but feel relieved and blessed.
This summer has been a struggle... the start of school even more so. The waiting is always the hardest part, but I have to admit waiting on our little boy has been easy compared to waiting for our teen. With our son, we have a 9-10 month window, and he will be here. Things could happen and he arrive early or late, but we have an idea of what to expect. However, with our teen everything has been different. Almost every deadline and timeline has changed more times than I can count. Sadly, it has taken almost 9 months to gain custody of our teen. We have had great case workers and social workers campaigning on our and our teen's behalf, working the system, and trying to get her home with us as quickly as possible. Even with all the help we have hit roadblocks and with those came the discouragement. On a few occasions, I even had to stop myself and ask if I was pushing an agenda or if I really felt like God wanted this adoption to happen. Fortunately, satan wasn't able to get more of a hold on my thoughts. God's peace and persistence flooded my consciousnesses.
One of the reasons I haven't published as much this summer is because my heart only had one thing to say... God's timing... even when I didn't want to hear it. For the last year, every time I have felt discouraged or upset with the outcomes, whether it was waiting to get pregnant or for this adoption/foster process, God made sure someone told me that this was about Him and His timing. After about 6 months, it seemed to become my mantra. I still don't understand why it took so long to get her in our home, and I still struggle with the 3 weeks she went to school somewhere else when I wanted her here so badly. That still small voice keeps repeating, MY timing. I may never understand, and I've even tried to come up with a few reasons... but God's voice is clear. He had a reason for things to unfold as they have, and I have to be okay with that.
Now I sit, 7 weeks away from my son's due date and fair warning - hormonal. We have had a smooth transition with our teen so far, and things seem to be moving right along at God's pace. Finally, my heart's mantra has changed... at least in tone - Ah, God's Timing. For whatever reason(s) He chose this past week to bring her home. She is thriving and our lives are forever changing. We know things will be difficult ahead as we navigate the waters of boys (yes, I am already wary of her dating. Is it too late to lock her in a tower?), homework, driving license, and so much more. Yesterday she said that she was planning to be here for a while... we weren't getting rid of her. We had a great day at school and she was super excited about getting involved, trying out for things, etc. My heart almost melted into a puddle at my feet then when she said we were stuck with her. Or maybe my heart exploded the first morning our big rescue dog didn't bark at her as she emerged from her bedroom. Or maybe the night our little dogs just made themselves right at home in her lap or her room. Either way, the mantra of my heart has definitely changed. God's timing is still there, but peace has ensued.
Thank you for praying for us on our parenting journey. These last few months have been overwhelming, but I've felt the prayers and God's presence every step of the way.
Friday, September 2, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Intro to Foster Care
Last time, I mentioned all the things I couldn't tell you...well, I can give you an idea of what those things might be. We have been taking resource parenting classes for about a month. Throughout the lessons, we have come across individuals that work in the field who have given us insight into what to expect. Particularly, they have focused a great deal on why children come into foster care as well as how to react (or in most cases, not react).
So, why do children end up in foster care?
1. Neglect. Most children are placed in care due to initial neglect by a caregiver. These cases are often reported by a neighbor or teacher.
2. Abuse - mental and physical. Some children are identified as abuse victims immediately. However, most of the children who are labeled as neglect victims have suffered some kind of abuse. At the time of their entrance into foster care, the abuse may not be known yet and their case starts as a neglect case. Can you guess who normally is the first to identify the suspected abuse? The foster parents. Because of this, we have been given things to watch for that might indicate prior abuse. Also, if you interact with foster children and something happens that you believe to be unusual, particularly for someone of that age or maturity, please tell the foster parents or social worker. It may be nothing, but it could be that child screaming for help in the only way they know how. If you ever have questions about the child's unusual behavior, talk to the foster parents. Again, they may not be able to divulge info about the abuse, but they may can shed some insight of the behavior or what to expect as far the behavior worsening before it gets better or ways to encourage healing.
3. Abuse, but sexual abuse. While some children can be identified as sexual abuse victims immediately, most are not. The startling statistics show that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 5 boys are victims of sexual abuse. For foster children that statistic is even higher, almost 9 out of every 10 children. Most suffer in silence. Some are never even aware that what happened to them wasn't "normal." Just like with other types of abuse, must children enter the system as neglect victims and are later identified as sexual abuse victims. However, it is believed that many children never reveal they were sexually abused. We have also been told of instances where the sexual abuse wasn't revealed until 6+ months of that children being in the same stable foster home. Some of these children take a long time to feel comfortable sharing information that would reveal their abuse. Some don't even realize they were abused, as they think the situation was "normal" or are ashamed because they feel it was their fault to begin with. Again, if a foster child acts out in any way that makes you uncomfortable, please tell the foster parents. It may be a sign that something else is going on.
These statistics and examples are usually enough to scare most people to death. These children have issues, some will never fully recover. They lives are forever changed, and because of that they will have scars or developmental issues to overcome.
Depressed yet? Don't be. We serve an amazing and sovereign God. He can do beautiful things with these children, and children are quite resilient. The real people He wants to change is us. We can't look at these children as scared, tortured, or damaged. See them through His eyes, children in need of love. Love they probably haven't received, not in a way that our Father would shower it on them. Have you ever been told that you may be the only Jesus that someone sees today? Well, in foster parenting, that is definitely the case. We have the power and ability to forever alter the way these children see, feel, and experience love. Being in an loving, welcoming, safe environment, even for a short while, can forever alter their lives. The no longer will expect abuse to be "normal." They will forever have a living, tangible example of God's amazing love, and have a frame of reference of how human beings, particularly adult humans, are supposed to treat each other.
I want to close with two stories. The first of a young child, not even old enough to know he was abused or neglected. You might remember the young boy I mentioned in the blog a few years ago. He entered care unable to attach to women. He would let himself be held by any man (mind you, there were complete strangers!) in the room, but if you were female, you didn't stand a chance to get his attention. His father had been absent most of the 13 months of his life, and his mother was the reason for him being in foster care. Fast forward a year and he was the happiest child on the face of the planet. He loved the adults in his life, all of them! He quickly developed relationships with other humans, but most importantly, he learned how to love. He transitioned back to his biological family shortly after. We were heart broken, but I choose to be happy for him. Wherever he his, he now is better able to enter childhood, capable of making friendships and loving others.
The second story is harder to accept. Most people read the reasons why children enter care and immediately get angry, maybe even angry with God. The problem: God has the power to control sin, the earth, and everyone involved. However, He gave us free will and with it the power and ability to hurt those closest to us. This is His design for our world, His plan for us. Years ago, I was introduced to a young lady with multiple personalities disorder. She was a victim of sexual abuse. She was born for no other purpose than to be used by the men in her family. As a result of her abuse, she development multiple personalities disorder. However, despite the extensive abuse which ended in late adolescence, she married and had children. She spoke in front of a college class of mine. The most profound thing happened during her talk. One of the students in the class had a seizure in the middle of class. Her "angel" personality responded to the situation and carefully attended the young lady having a seizure. This young woman had one of the most horrific childhoods imaginable, yet she was able to live what many would call a successful and "normal" life by many appearances.
Who are we to question God? Job had this same argument with Him long ago. He gives us free will and the ability to question Him. However, be careful that you aren't doing all the yelling at Him. When was the last time you listened? When I do, I see past the hurt pain that sin has caused these children. I see the potential healing, the beautiful, stronger individuals God will use to His glory. Need another example, the Bible is full of flawed, messed up individuals and situations that He transformed for His glory. Joseph jumps into mind. The situation his brothers intended for harm, but God used to save nations. Who are we to question Him? Have you listened lately? He is wanting to change your story. Are you going to let Him?
I'm praying for you, praying that you are so convicted that you have to act. We have an epidemic on our hands and christian families are needed to change the tide of the war. Are you willing to have your heart broken so that another may have life? He was willing to die for us. All He is asking in return is that you heed His call. Open your home, your life, your family. Let a little child come in. Love them for as long as you can, and be prepared to let them go. Parents do it every day, most just have 18+ years to love and let go. As foster parents, you may get a few days, months, years, or forever. Be ok with that and change the world, one child at a time. I'm still praying for you, for strength, courage, and the willingness to step out on faith. We are not strong enough to do this, but with Him all things are possible.
So, why do children end up in foster care?
1. Neglect. Most children are placed in care due to initial neglect by a caregiver. These cases are often reported by a neighbor or teacher.
2. Abuse - mental and physical. Some children are identified as abuse victims immediately. However, most of the children who are labeled as neglect victims have suffered some kind of abuse. At the time of their entrance into foster care, the abuse may not be known yet and their case starts as a neglect case. Can you guess who normally is the first to identify the suspected abuse? The foster parents. Because of this, we have been given things to watch for that might indicate prior abuse. Also, if you interact with foster children and something happens that you believe to be unusual, particularly for someone of that age or maturity, please tell the foster parents or social worker. It may be nothing, but it could be that child screaming for help in the only way they know how. If you ever have questions about the child's unusual behavior, talk to the foster parents. Again, they may not be able to divulge info about the abuse, but they may can shed some insight of the behavior or what to expect as far the behavior worsening before it gets better or ways to encourage healing.
3. Abuse, but sexual abuse. While some children can be identified as sexual abuse victims immediately, most are not. The startling statistics show that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 5 boys are victims of sexual abuse. For foster children that statistic is even higher, almost 9 out of every 10 children. Most suffer in silence. Some are never even aware that what happened to them wasn't "normal." Just like with other types of abuse, must children enter the system as neglect victims and are later identified as sexual abuse victims. However, it is believed that many children never reveal they were sexually abused. We have also been told of instances where the sexual abuse wasn't revealed until 6+ months of that children being in the same stable foster home. Some of these children take a long time to feel comfortable sharing information that would reveal their abuse. Some don't even realize they were abused, as they think the situation was "normal" or are ashamed because they feel it was their fault to begin with. Again, if a foster child acts out in any way that makes you uncomfortable, please tell the foster parents. It may be a sign that something else is going on.
These statistics and examples are usually enough to scare most people to death. These children have issues, some will never fully recover. They lives are forever changed, and because of that they will have scars or developmental issues to overcome.
Depressed yet? Don't be. We serve an amazing and sovereign God. He can do beautiful things with these children, and children are quite resilient. The real people He wants to change is us. We can't look at these children as scared, tortured, or damaged. See them through His eyes, children in need of love. Love they probably haven't received, not in a way that our Father would shower it on them. Have you ever been told that you may be the only Jesus that someone sees today? Well, in foster parenting, that is definitely the case. We have the power and ability to forever alter the way these children see, feel, and experience love. Being in an loving, welcoming, safe environment, even for a short while, can forever alter their lives. The no longer will expect abuse to be "normal." They will forever have a living, tangible example of God's amazing love, and have a frame of reference of how human beings, particularly adult humans, are supposed to treat each other.
I want to close with two stories. The first of a young child, not even old enough to know he was abused or neglected. You might remember the young boy I mentioned in the blog a few years ago. He entered care unable to attach to women. He would let himself be held by any man (mind you, there were complete strangers!) in the room, but if you were female, you didn't stand a chance to get his attention. His father had been absent most of the 13 months of his life, and his mother was the reason for him being in foster care. Fast forward a year and he was the happiest child on the face of the planet. He loved the adults in his life, all of them! He quickly developed relationships with other humans, but most importantly, he learned how to love. He transitioned back to his biological family shortly after. We were heart broken, but I choose to be happy for him. Wherever he his, he now is better able to enter childhood, capable of making friendships and loving others.
The second story is harder to accept. Most people read the reasons why children enter care and immediately get angry, maybe even angry with God. The problem: God has the power to control sin, the earth, and everyone involved. However, He gave us free will and with it the power and ability to hurt those closest to us. This is His design for our world, His plan for us. Years ago, I was introduced to a young lady with multiple personalities disorder. She was a victim of sexual abuse. She was born for no other purpose than to be used by the men in her family. As a result of her abuse, she development multiple personalities disorder. However, despite the extensive abuse which ended in late adolescence, she married and had children. She spoke in front of a college class of mine. The most profound thing happened during her talk. One of the students in the class had a seizure in the middle of class. Her "angel" personality responded to the situation and carefully attended the young lady having a seizure. This young woman had one of the most horrific childhoods imaginable, yet she was able to live what many would call a successful and "normal" life by many appearances.
Who are we to question God? Job had this same argument with Him long ago. He gives us free will and the ability to question Him. However, be careful that you aren't doing all the yelling at Him. When was the last time you listened? When I do, I see past the hurt pain that sin has caused these children. I see the potential healing, the beautiful, stronger individuals God will use to His glory. Need another example, the Bible is full of flawed, messed up individuals and situations that He transformed for His glory. Joseph jumps into mind. The situation his brothers intended for harm, but God used to save nations. Who are we to question Him? Have you listened lately? He is wanting to change your story. Are you going to let Him?
I'm praying for you, praying that you are so convicted that you have to act. We have an epidemic on our hands and christian families are needed to change the tide of the war. Are you willing to have your heart broken so that another may have life? He was willing to die for us. All He is asking in return is that you heed His call. Open your home, your life, your family. Let a little child come in. Love them for as long as you can, and be prepared to let them go. Parents do it every day, most just have 18+ years to love and let go. As foster parents, you may get a few days, months, years, or forever. Be ok with that and change the world, one child at a time. I'm still praying for you, for strength, courage, and the willingness to step out on faith. We are not strong enough to do this, but with Him all things are possible.
If you are in the Central MS area and want to get started on your foster journey- check out
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